Try Not to Laugh Funny Elbow Memes
So, you want to tell a sex joke? They can be funny every bit all hell, depending on your delivery, but earlier we go ahead and share some of our favorite ones, let's break downwardly some of the rules of telling muddy sexual practice jokes.
First and foremost, know your audition. Don't tell a racy joke to your coworkers or employees. These jokes can easily exist misconstrued, and you don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. (A dirty joke may also land you in HR, and nosotros want to avoid that.) You also might non desire to whip out a dirty joke in front of your parents, grandparents, or in-laws—but hey, we don't know what your relationship is like your fam, and so you do you.
2nd, don't tell any sexist jokes. Outside of beingness offensive, they're simply not funny. "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus" gags are played out. This isn't a 1994 Comedy Central stand-upwardly. This is 2021. If you're telling the same tired-ass jokes, you're non going to be funny.
Lastly, you tin can dabble in Blue comedy (which is sexually explicit humour that's really fucking crass and vulgar), but do so sparingly. In that location are speedily-diminishing returns with whatever stupor-value style of comedy.
All correct. With that out of the way, hither are 116 dirty sexual practice jokes that are too pretty funny. (God bless Reddit and the net; we couldn't have done this without y'all.) Some are classics that are decades old, a few are newer celebrity comedian jokes yous may recognize, and others are undoubtedly cringey, but that's all function of the fun. (And when you're washed laughing out these, cheque out our listing of the funniest sexual practice memes.)
ane) A husband and married woman are having issues in the chamber. The wife can't orgasm because it's likewise damn hot.
They see a sex therapist, and he recommends that they have a constant supply of cool air in the sleeping room, and then the man asks his best friend to waft a towel while he and his wife make love.
Begrudgingly, the friend submits and says yes.
Later 20 minutes of lovemaking, the woman is no closer to orgasm, so the friend wafting the towel recommends that they switch places. So the friend is now having sex with the woman while the husband wafts the towel.
Later on 2 minutes, the adult female starts to tremble and lets out an incredible weep as she reaches the virtually intense orgasm she has e'er had.
The husband looks at his friend, and proudly proclaims, "At present that, my friend, is how you waft a fucking towel."
ii) A family is at the zoo and they get to the elephants when the daughter notices something odd and then she looks at her mom and says, "Mom what'southward that thing hanging down from the elephant?" She answers, "That'due south his trunk." "No, in the dorsum," the daughter says. "That's his tail." "No, underneath!" The mother blushes and says, "Oh that'south goose egg."
The daughter is dislocated, so she asks her dad. "Dad, what'southward that thing hanging downward under the elephant?" "Oh, that's his penis," the day replies. "Why when I asked Mommy did she say it was nothing?"
"Oh, she'south just spoiled."
3) A husband says to his wife, "Why don't you tell me when you lot orgasm?" She replies, "I don't similar calling you when you're at work."
4) 2 nuns are painting an office at the rectory on a hot summer solar day. I says to the other, we should take off our habits so as to not go paint on them. So both nuns are painting the room in the nude when they hear a knock on the door. Flustered, one says, "Who is it?" followed by a man'due south voice proverb, "Blind man." Figuring the man wouldn't see anything, they open up the door. The man walks in and says, "Nice tits ladies. Now, where do you want me to install these blinds?"
v) My wife gave me a handjob the other day using Vaseline. I came 3 times trying to wash that shit off.
half dozen) A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sexual practice for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the finish of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the 2 weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to become without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the pinnacle shelf and dropped it. When she aptitude over to pick information technology up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of form, that this means you volition not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the fellow. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
7) A human walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would similar some food. He looks up at the carte du jour to a higher place the bar. It says Hot Dog $two, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.
He asks the waitress, "Miss, are y'all the i who gives the handjobs?"
She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well launder your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
viii) My girlfriend thought I'd be a pushover in bed, and wouldn't you know it, she had me pegged from the starting time.
9) The stork is the bird that brings the baby, but a swallow's the one to foreclose it.
10) A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to ane of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn't it? Come with me; I accept a surprise for you."
She takes him past the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes dorsum from the table, and says, "Cheers ma'am, this was wonderful, but I really should cease my route."
She stops him and informs him there'due south more than, then leads him into the bedroom where she gain to give him the best sexual practice he'due south ever had—every position he can call up of until he's about ready to pass out. Finally, they stop and he says, "Thank yous ma'am, this was astonishing, just I really should finish my route."
She stops him and says, "I accept one more thing for yous," and then reaches over to the nightstand, pulls out a crisp $5 pecker, and hands it to him. Confused, the mailman says, "Ma'am, the breakfast was amazing, the sexual practice was mind-blowing, just what is up with the 5 dollars?"
The lady responds, "Well, my husband and I were watching Goggle box last dark when I said, 'Hey, tomorrow is the mailman'southward last 24-hour interval, remember we should do something?' And he said, 'Fuck 'em. Requite him five bucks.' But breakfast was my idea!"
11) A little boy and his male parent are walking down the street, and they see ii dogs having sexual practice.
The fiddling male child asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father says, "Making a puppy."
So they walk on and go home.
A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex activity. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"
The father replies, "Making a babe."
The little male child says, "Can you turn mommy over? I'd rather have a puppy."
12) A couple gets married, and on their wedding ceremony night, the wife asks what a penis is. The husband, surprised, pulls his out. She says, "Oh, it'due south like a dick simply smaller."
13) Why are women so bad at carpentry?
Holds hand in the air with fingers about iv inches apart.
Because men keep telling them this is viii inches.
14) "Y'all should only have sexual activity with a famous person if you lot really, actually genuinely want to tell people about it afterward." —Sara Pascoe
15) "My mom told me the best time to inquire my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd always been given. I outburst in through the bedroom door proverb, 'Tin can I take a new bike?' He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice nigh it. I got the bike." –Jimmy Carr
xvi) "A Christian friend of mine said that sex activity between 2 men is incorrect in their optics. I said, 'Y'all're right, it'south supposed to exist up the bum!'"—Gary Delaney
17) "I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex activity with this poor daughter and I was trying my all-time, but I was like Scotland at the Earth Cup–just happy to be there."—Russell Howard
18) Life is like a penis... Ofttimes hard for no reason!
19) A niggling girl and male child are fighting about the differences between the sexes, arguing which i is amend. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, "Here's something I accept that you'll never have!" The trivial girl is pretty upset past this and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running dorsum with a smile on her face up. She drops her pants and says, "My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!"
20) A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family unit when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The female parent thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. I night they become into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to embrace. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room yous had daddy's penis in your mouth. What practice you get when y'all practice that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."
21) "A few months later his parents were divorced, petty Johnny passed past his mom'southward bedchamber and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a human being, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. Ane twenty-four hour period, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her sleeping accommodation, he saw a man on pinnacle of her. Footling Johnny ran into his room, took off his dress, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaned, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
22) One twenty-four hours, there were two boys playing past a stream. One of the immature boys saw a bush and went over to information technology. The other male child couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other male child went over to the bush and looked. The ii boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The get-go boy couldn't empathize why he ran away, and then he took off afterward his friend. Finally, he defenseless upwardly to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
23) What did the toaster say to the slice of breadstuff? "I want you lot inside me."
24) Who's the most pop guy at the nudist colony? The one who tin comport a cup of coffee in each paw and a dozen doughnuts.
25) Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
26) How is life similar toilet paper? Yous're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.
27) My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I, personally, am on the fence.
28) Why did the squirrel swim on its back? To keep his basics dry out.
29) "Dear NASA: Your mom thought I was big enough." Signed, Pluto
30) How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.
31) A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps confronting the windshield. Embarrassed and trying to spare her immature son's innocence, the mother turns effectually and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was only an insect." "Wow," the male child replies. "I'm surprised information technology could get off the basis with a erect like that!"
32) A young human being goes to see his physician and the physician tells him, "You need to stop masturbating?" "Why?" the human asks. "Considering I'm trying to examine you lot."
33) If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex activity with four people is called a foursome, I judge now information technology's clear why anybody calls me handsome.
34) Without women sex activity would be a hurting in the ass.
35) If I was addicted to masturbation, and and so became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of mitt?
36) A human walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Practise you have that book for men with modest penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in all the same." The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"
37) I idea of having a threesome, just then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint 2 people at one time, I could take dinner with my parents.
38) What's the difference between oral sex and anal sexual activity? Oral sex activity will brand your whole day... Anal sexual practice volition make your hole weak.
39) Having sexual practice in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
twoscore) "Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, cheers, Grandfather!"
"Why are yous calling me Grandfather?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
41) Mickey Mouse is in the heart of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the gauge almost the separation. "I'yard deplorable Mickey, only I can't legally carve up yous two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," the guess said. Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane; I said that she'due south fucking Goofy!"
42) Why couldn't the cadger get a girlfriend? Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
43) A guy walks into a bar, and another guy says, "I slept with my wife earlier nosotros were married. Did you lot?" The other guy says, "I don't know. What was her maiden proper noun?"
44) A guy walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey. The bartender says, "Single?" The guy replies, "No—happily married, merely curious."
45) It is a sin to put information technology in, merely it'south a shame to pull it out.
46) A instructor is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are 3 ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The instructor says, "No, there are ii left, merely I like how you're thinking." So Johnny asks the teacher, "You lot see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor. 1 is licking her ice cream, i is sucking her ice foam, and one is biting her ice cream. Which one is married?" And the teacher responds, "The one sucking her water ice foam." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ceremony band, simply I like how you're thinking."
47) They say that during sex you burn down off as many calories equally running viii miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
48) A homo in a hotel lobby turns to go to the front end desk, but he accidentally runs into a woman beside him and his elbow bumps into her breast. They are both quite startled. The human being turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your eye is soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
49) "Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give information technology to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.
fifty) Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their grandkids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his grandson'southward medicine cabinet, he asked nearly using 1 of the pills. The grandson said, "I don't recollect you lot should accept one. They're very stiff and very expensive." "How much?" asked Granddad. "$10.00 a pill," he replied. "I don't care," said Grandfather, "I'd still similar to endeavour ane, and before nosotros get out in the morn, I'll put the money nether the pillow. " Later the next morning, the grandson found $110 under his pillow. He called Gramps and said, "I told yous each pill was $10, non $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
51) Why practise women article of clothing panties with flowers on them? In loving retentivity of all the faces that have been buried there.
52) 2 men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the sleeping room. He comes out 10 minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know what? Your wife IS better."
53) There was an elderly homo who wanted to brand his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The medico told him to take a specimen loving cup abode, fill information technology, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the chapeau was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the trouble?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my correct mitt... nil. I tried with my left paw... nothing. Then my married woman tried with her right paw... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her oral cavity... nada. So my married woman's friend tried. Right mitt, left hand, oral cavity... still nothing. The doc replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife'south friend likewise?!" The elderly man answered, "Yep, and we notwithstanding couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup."
54) A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandad is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with goose egg on from the waist down. "Granddaddy, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not reply his grandson. "Granddad, what are you doing sitting out here with zilch on below the waist?" he asks again. The one-time man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, final calendar week I sat out hither with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's thought!"
55) Four nuns are in line to go into heaven. God asks the first nun if she has always sinned. She says, "Well, I've seen a penis." So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter. He asks the 2nd nun the aforementioned thing and she says, "I've held a penis," so he puts holy h2o on her hands and lets her enter. Then the fourth nun skips the tertiary nun in line and God asks why she did that. The fourth nun replies, "Well, I need to irrigate it before she sits in it."
56) A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first-twelvemonth medical students. Realizing that this was not the well-nigh riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Exercise you lot know what your asshole is doing while you lot're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He'south probably playing golf game with his friends."
57) Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an warning to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
58) Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sexual activity life?"
"Oh, goose egg special. I'thou having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Aye, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."
59) Did you hear nigh the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.
60) A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes and fucks all 150 hens. The farmer is impressed thinking almost all the eggs the hens would hatch. At luncheon, the rooster over again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried at present. The adjacent solar day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, and a parrot likewise, which is now scaring him. Later that twenty-four hour period, he finds the rooster lying pale, half-dead with vultures circling over its caput. The farmer says, "Y'all horny bastard, yous deserve this." The rooster opens one eye, points up, and whispers, "Shh! Don't shout, let them land!"
61) A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same fourth dimension." The married woman thinks most it for a few moments and replies, "Your dick is bigger than your brothers."
62) A woman asked her friend, "Why is your husband so punctual when returning dwelling from work?" The friend replied, "I fabricated a simple rule: Sexual activity volition brainstorm at 7 pm sharp, whether he is there or not."
63) 3 boys were discussing their father'south favorite foods. The first child said his father loves to eat burgers. The 2nd boy said his father loves KFC. The tertiary boy said his father loves to eat light. The other two boys questioned how his dad does that. The third boy replied, "Every night I hear my daddy tell mommy to plough off the calorie-free and so he tin can eat it."
64) If you were born in September, information technology'south pretty safe to presume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
65) I day little Johnny walked out of his sleeping room with his suitcase packed. His dad asked him where he was going and Johnny replied, "Last dark I heard you say that you were pulling out and mommy said she was coming besides. I didn't want to be left backside!"
66) Two guys are at a bar. One of them looks to the other and says, "I had the all-time time last nighttime. I had sex with twins!" The other asks, "How could y'all tell them autonomously?" "Well, Jessica had long, beautiful, blonde pilus, and Sean had a goatee."
67) A lady comes home from her doctor'south appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are yous so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five-year-former adult female, I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-erstwhile." "Oh yeah?" quipped her married man, "What did he say about your twoscore-five-twelvemonth-old ass?" She said, "Your proper noun never came upwards in the conversation."
68) A hubby exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really large. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!" Later that dark in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his married woman who completely brushes him off. "What'southward wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really remember I'thou going to fire up this big-ass grill for 1 petty weenie?"
69) A hubby was having an affair with his secretary. One solar day, their passions overcame them in the office, and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at effectually 8 p.g. As the homo threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes exterior and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she notwithstanding complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove domicile. "Where accept you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the human, "I can't lie to y'all. I've been having an affair with my secretarial assistant. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake upward until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lot liar! You've been playing golf game!"
70) You know you're getting old when your married woman says, "Dear, permit'due south run upstairs and brand love," and you lot answer, "I can't do both."
71) A husband asks his married woman, "Volition you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will yous marry afterwards I die?" The husband responds, "No, I will also alive with your sister."
72) I used to date an English teacher, just they dumped me for improper utilize of the colon.
73) I think sex activity is amend than logic, simply I can't prove it.
74) Me and my friend were masturbating to some hardcore dinosaur pornography. Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.
75) I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my xix brothers and sisters, and they didn't know either.
76) A young man and his engagement were parked on a back road some altitude from town. They were about to take sex when the girl stopped. "I actually should take mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker, and I charge 20 dollars for sexual activity." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their matter. Afterward a cigarette, the man just sat in the commuter's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't nosotros going anywhere?" asked the daughter. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, just I'm really a Uber driver, and the fare back to town is 25 bucks."
77) What does a horny frog say? Rub it.
78) What do yous call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.
79) What exercise you phone call a person who doesn't masturbate? A liar.
80) Why are pubic hairs so curly? So they don't poke out your eyes.
81) What's 72? 69 with three people watching.
82) What do yous say when balls are slapping against your chin? Nothing! You've already got a mouthful!
83) What did the left nut say to the correct nut? Don't talk to the guy in the heart; he's a existent dick!
84) When should condoms be used? Every conceivable occasion.
85) Why was the snowman so horny? Because he saw a plow truck.
86) A penis is the lightest thing in the earth. Even a idea can raise information technology.
87) A man and a woman were having drinks at a business organization briefing when they got into an argument near who enjoyed sex more than. The human being said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why practise you call up we're and then obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't show annihilation," the adult female countered. "Think nearly this: When your ear itches and you lot put your finger in it and jerk it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"
88) An erstwhile man is at his bedside praying when his married woman says, "What are you doing?" "I'g praying for guidance," replies the human being. "Just pray for stiffness," says the married woman, "and I'll guide the fucker."
89) What the difference between a garbanzo edible bean and a chickpea? I've never let a garbanzo bean on my chest.
90) The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this forenoon to get something for his cough. I couldn't notice the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner replies, "Yous idiot! You can't care for a cough with laxatives!" "Oh yeah?" the clerk says, "Wait at him. He'due south afraid to cough!"
91) How did Burger Rex go Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
92) What do a penis and Rubik's cube have in mutual? The more y'all play with information technology, the harder it gets.
93) I went out dressed as a chicken final night and met a girl who was dressed like an egg. Ane affair led to another and the lifelong question was answered: It was the chicken.
94) What practice you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef stroganoff.
95) What's the divergence between a dick and a bonus check? Someone is always down to accident your bonus.
96) I'm non certain how I experience almost masturbation, just on the i manus, it feels pretty smashing!
97) How did I quit smoking, y'all ask? I decided I'd only fume after sex.
98) I hope death is a adult female. That way, it'll never come for me.
99) How is sexual practice like a game of bridge? With a dandy paw, you don't even need a partner.
100) I told my mom that I accept an Oedipus complex. She asked if I was serious, and I said, "Nah, I'1000 just fucking with yous."
101) Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? Ken came in another box.
102) What does Pinocchio's lover say to him? "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
103) What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy puppet? "If we don't become some back up, people volition think nosotros're nuts."
104) What's the difference between your boyfriend and a prophylactic? Condoms take evolved: They're not so thick and insensitive anymore.
105) What do you call a smile Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck betwixt his forepart teeth? A glad-he-ate-her.
106) What do you phone call an expert fisherman? A Master Baiter.
107) Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because they won't finish to ask directions.
108) What does the sign on an out-of-business organization brothel say? Beat information technology. We're closed.
109) What is the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One'due south a Goodyear and one's a great year.
110) What's the departure between Covid and your legs? I don't want Covid to spread.
111) What's the difference betwixt you and an egg? An egg gets laid.
112) How did the police grab the naked man breaking into Zales? They grabbed him by the jewels.
113) What do you call two jalepeños getting it on? Fucking hot.
114) A genealogist looks up the family unit tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.
115) What does a robot practise subsequently a one-night stand. Nuts and bolts.
116) Did yous hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts!
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Source: https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a35995236/sex-dirty-jokes/
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